- 7:53:27 PM by mark
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- OK I found what I borked up on in the template. *sigh* you leave off one little
</a>
tag and NS4.7 just craps all over itself. I sure wish Mozilla would stablize. I wish I still had time to help it stabilize. I wish I didn't have this .sig from the perl-porter's list running thru my head:
--
$jhi++; # http://www.iki.fi/jhi/
# There is this special biologist word we use for 'stable'.
# It is 'dead'. -- Jack Cohen
Jarkko Hietaniemi
- 6:44:41 AM by mark
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- Oh man, I just couldn't put down the catalog once opened, here are a few tasty bits I spotted:
Swiss-Precision Reuge® Music Box: ...The star of David inlay work is acheived with the same technique that was perfected in the 7th century... Uh yeah, me bash-um inlay wif flat rock.
Bose® QuietComfort™ Acoustic Noise-Canceling® Headset: ... Reaserch studies have confirmed a correlation between noise, human fatigue and symptoms of stress ... OK, first, I had to pull out the HTML reference for that fucking mega name there. Second, can you actually register "acoustic noise-cancelling" because I'm pretty sure that is just a technical term for, um acoustic noise cancelling. Third, the study they refer to was done by screaming at people for hours on end until they snapped, probably at a Denny's or in California somewhere.
The Walking-On-Air Clogs: ... Instep is orthopedically enhanced to provide natural comfort...Feet actually rest on this cushion of air, reducing impact to the bones (26 in each foot) and arches ... 0 or 1 in each foot. Grr, clog and air simply don't belong in the same phrase, it's like Elven Phlegm, the words reject each others presence. Also "orthopedically enhanced" is like saying "engineeringally improved" or "scientifically written". It's a null phrase, "shaped-like-a-regular-foot-ally corrected". Speaking of null phrases, how about "natural comfort"? This is the new oxymoron of the decade. There is nothing natural about comfort. Comfort only exists because we ripped it screaming from its evil maddened step-mother, everyday-fricking-life. We grabbed a hold of discomfort and temporarily pinned its head under our new S/UV while we hopped in the hot tub for a bit. It isn't natural, it's hard-won thankyouverymuch.
Martin Backpacker Guitar: ...So lightweight and portable, it has been taken aboard the Space Shuttle, then, once the tour was over... to the summit of Mount Everest, another climb is planned this year to retreive it and the frozen corpses... and traveled to both North and South Poles. in a plane...
The World's Only Build-Your-Own Watch Kits: ...Assembly time is two to three hours ... Of course they aren't sure since... (Oh man, these jokes write themselves) BTW, what idiot would pay $100 for a watch they had to put together themselves? Here's a tip, buy like 9 $10 watches from Walmart and tear them all apart. You should be able to get two or three back
together. Many more hours of fun and at least you have ten bucks left in case you need a working timepiece.
The 5-hour Desktop Mug: ...With it's patented vacuum insulation technology... Stop, sucking the air out of something isn't technology. Also, $35 for a fucking 20oz Thermos with a twisty lid and black plastic+bright chrome motif? Didn't that patent run out like 15 years ago? Hi I'm selling these patented "flying contraptions." I call them "aeromachinautomoblixors" and I expect they will sell like flap-jacks.
At this point (only page 21 of 100 and already my blood-pressure is thru the roof) I checked the address on the cover to see if this was addressed to "Idiot Occupant" rather than "Mark". Nope... I'll try and do more tomorrow, once this inexplicable killing rage passes, maybe I'll go driving on the Interstate in rush-hour traffic to calm down. Or punch homeless people's kittens.
Let me leave you with this: "The clock is controlled by radio-waves set according to the U.S. Department of Commerce atomic clock in Boulder." Wow, the U.S. government can set the time of radio-waves! What will those wacky Boulderites think of next? Science marches on down at the Department of Commerce, they hope to invent no-click shopping next.
- 5:37:55 AM by mark
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- Clan of The Cats Wait till the weekend on this one, you'll be up all night reading the archives...
BigBadHammer Interesting collection of different comics there. Zingo is best for me, but Sprechen is good too.
- 5:02:41 AM by mark
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- In case my rants below aren't enough for you, you should read this Sean Baby article on the Nike Commercial that got taken off the air during the olympics. It's here on the fabo AdCritic site which is heavy on Quicktime encoded "Ad"s and light on the "Critic" part. Don't get me wrong, my grimy love for AdCritic grows each day they continue to operate. =) They are a powerful resource for the "WTF was that ad saying?" types.
- 4:44:31 AM by mark
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- OK, here's the deal, this catalog is a gold mine of repressed class outrage. This society has clearly begun the final downward spiral that so many civilizations before it have slid down. We are only weeks away from barbarian hordes overrunning our buggery and gluttony drenched culture. The breaking point was when the word want transformed from meaning "need" to meaning "wish for/demand". See once upon a time, in a simpler age when people actually feared gods rather than trying to get them on the phone for a tete'a'tete with the boys in Washington about this whole worship thing, people were promised a heaven in which they "would not want".
That didn't mean they would be granted every whim and rule a little portion of reality like a minor god, having supremodels from thoughout time and space pandering to their every need. No, it meant that they wouldn't have to do without the necessities ever again. See, back then, heaven was always getting enough to eat and having your house not get knocked down by the cattle when you roast one of them in god's name. Heaven was a place where you didn't have to grub in the dirt looking for roots that are only a litte poisonous to get by on because the damn rain of frogs and rats pretty much wiped out your crops for the year.
See, we live in heaven now. I've never gone a week without food. I've never thought, well tomorrow I'll try and kill that huge rat before he drags another one of my children off. I've never had a angel pop down and wipe out the entire city I used to live in just because they liked sheep in that funny way Jethro once told me a joke about.
No, now when someone says "Ohh, I want that" they don't really mean they "need" it. They mean that they sure would like to rub the neighbors face in that one. They mean that their bloated almost-corpse will still have attractive uplifted breasts and a winkleless face right up to the day they die at 90 in their private jet on the way to their island paradise. They mean they don't mind having it so long as they get it before most of the other people have an opportunity to get one, even if that means a bunch of 11 year old children in a land with really interesting landscapes and architecture and quaint customs like slavery have to produce it in 16 hour shifts or face the mean rape-y man. They mean what ever strikes their fancy should magically appear under their finger tips and the rest of us can go to hell.
Oops, my soup is done and the microwave is beeping. I wonder what's on TV?
- 4:05:42 AM by mark
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- So I get this catalog from Hammacher Schlemmer in the mail every month or so. You have to understand that I never asked for this catalog or bought anything from them. One day I wandered a little to close to their store in the Mall and woke up 15 minutes later next to the cool fountain with the interactive buttons that lets you make the waters dance. I was shaky, had a nasty cotton taste in my mouth, a huge puncture wound on my thigh and a really nice chrome-steel with black-inlaid ceramic tag pinned to my ear. Later, when I got my wits about me, I noticed that my wallet had been picked through (and tastefully freshened with ions) and these damn catalogs started showing up.
Now, I don't try and get them canceled for two reasons. One, you never want to draw their notice, it just gets you put on more lists if they find out there is a warm, marketable, demographic at the other end of that address. Two, I like the idea that by never buying anything from them but continuing to get their catalog I thus drain imperceptably their resources. I know that this works because every year I get a catalog from Sharper image that warns me if I don't buy something soon they will have to drop me from the free catalog list in order to save money. Shar'pe Image is completely unlike Hamaker Shlemer in one single way, they tagged me while conscious, with an incredibly fancy LED encrusted, sparkly plastic tag-clamper while beaming a ray at my head that they claimed would make me feel no pain, as well as driving pests and insects away, clearing up my acne, and preventing gout.
The number one item in the Hamock Swinger catalog this year? It is exclusive to their catalog; the Aquatic Pod Suite! That's right, a $91,100.00 floating lounge room. It was easy to get the exclusive I figure, SINCE NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WILL BUY THIS THING! It has a generator, lights, desalination unit, mini-bar, AV system by Bose (who should know better by now), king size bed, shower and toilet. It has a sun terrace. It has underwater windows and lights. It looks like a friggin spaceship. The price includes delivery in the US, 4 man training crew, "white-glove" assembly (which I assume means they put the thing together for you without letting it touch their filthy lower-class hands. Either that or it's some freakish piece of modern sculpture they stick on the top.) It weighs three times what my car does. It floats. It costs more than I budgeted to buy a house with. (keep in mind I'm thinking 25 year mortgage here...)
The way I figure it, it's about $85k for the 28' diameter floating house, $5k for the labor to get it too you, $1k for helicopter rental to get it to the water, and $100 to have your sense of reason restored only after the 3-day lemon law is no longer in effect.
Of course the kicker is that they need 4 months to ship the thing to you. You can order it on their site in just a few clicks assuming you have one of those black American Express cards they only give out to disgustingly rich people who are still willing to trade their mortal soul for a better credit rating and slightly less snooty looks from the old-money snobs.
If anyone out there wants to spend just under $100k (after tax...) to buy me this thing, please just give me the money instead, thanks... As cool as it would be to own it, (I'd just sink it to look cool for my hoodlum friends), it wont do me any good unless you are also willing to front me some beach-front property. And I don't mean up here in Louisville on the river, since being anchored in the muddy riverwater of the Ohio means the underwater lights are only going to let me see floating trash, mutant fish, and human feces. No way is anyone swimming in this river to visit me so I'd have to anchor it right on shore and lay a plank to it. Plus, unless it's an ocean, the desalination unit is just a waste...
- 2:30:57 AM by mark
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"It was like a gothic highschool kegger."
"Well, we didn't kill each other."
"I can keep it in my head and not let them twist it around. That is how I survive."
"The cheese is just not on the cracker."
- 2:04:33 AM by mark
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- Um, random linkage before I get to work (suuure.) Oh yeah, I borked the blog page too... Doh.
- Daily victim at gamspy is a hoot! Check out the Hall of previous victims. Each one funnier than the last.
- Dumbrella really, the name says it all but I can't resist this little quote, "Don't Eat Shit". Important things waiting there...
Enjoy...
- 1:43:03 AM by mark
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- Ahh Comics: The sidebar is updated a little and more to come before this post lands.
- Anime PitStop is another in a myriad of Top[number] [superlative]? [nounphrase of website topic] (Sites|Pages|Links)? (Of the [time period])? Only this one has some good links so I'm forgiving it its bargin with the Prince of Gettin-Pretty-Darkness.
- GameSpy's Halloween Special is truely special and not in that short-bus-do-you-want-another-hammer sense. It touched me in that Say It! special place. Thank you!
- IdleMinds is notable not only for being funny but for being the apparent collaboration between 5 people (or *gulp* personalities?). Note the copyright line at the bottom of each strip. They started with just three... Also, for a comic that has been around since August and features up to 5 people as creators would have posted at least one newsarticle.
- Clan Bob Comics seems to be sparsely published but Oh what a layout!. I tried that translucency trick once but he's made it work! Sexy!
- The Class Menagerie is a furry/animal/college comic. Long running with extended storylines and some good humor. One to check in on during rainy days. Like I go out when it's sunny. *snort*
- Rockwood seems interesting so I'm going to look at it closer later. Of course the server it's on isn't responding now that I want to drag thru the archives...
- Kids In The Street appears to be gearing back up! They go straight to the sidebar, no passing "go" for them!
- Project Thingy is no more. =( Long live its ?predecessor? When I Grow Up. Seems it was just an elaborate hoax, the ending of one of the better strips and it's replacement with an equally funny strip. Nope, it's still the same strip. Hit the PT link and do a viewsource. Note the metatags in the header as well as the hidden text. =)
Bonus links! Namco and NABCO team up on breast cancer As Jason on Luminosity Pro points out, "I feel I should make you guys aware of something, here: Ms. Pac-Man doesn't have any breasts." Couldn't have said it better myself. ... Review of Rune at Old Man Murray is one of the funnier game reviews I've read in ages. Thank goodness Penny Arcade linked it! You go Tycho!
- 1:10:32 AM by mark
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- Did I become over obsessed with comics during October? Does this annoy the few tattered remains of the
audience I once commanded (nearly 15 a day once)? Do either of you want me to do more or less? =)
Of course it would be easier for you to communicate with me if I had some sort of BBS thingy or a comment on this post button but you know what? Feedback would violate my lonely sanctity er... artistic integrity.
I'll be doing some major/minor stylesheet tinkering for a few hours after this post and the next (which is about comics, surprise!). Anyway, be aware that I'm tinkering and don't just assume I'm a complete loser, thanks...
Well if you read the text on the page and ignore the layout and still decide I'm a complete loser, I suppose no amount of begging or pleading will help. In that case please don't let the internet equivalent of a doorknob (electric shock? WAP protocol?) hit you in the internet equivalent of your ass (still your ass only flattened from too much surfing) on your way out. =)
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