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Because malevolent is too hard to say!

And you can't tell me the alien ain't CUTE!

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Saturday, July 14, 2001
3:14:48 PM by mark *
Geek Toys

Poison E-mail give spammers the finger with this anti-e-mail-spider kit.

Ethereal works in windows now. The untimate free packet sniffer comes a callin'! Use this on your "Connection Sharing" machine to see what crap your programs are sending to the net when you are connected. Plus, handy for testing those "stream rippers" that help you save streaming video...

3:11:15 PM by mark *
No! No! Don' t take Salon away! If I wanted to read that other shit, I'd read that other shit!
Friday, July 13, 2001
11:23:51 PM by mark *
Thanks dude, this Man's Periodic Table wasted some time at work today. =)
10:36:01 PM by mark *
I've gotten so used to surfing without pop-ups that using IE again to surf has been a shock of cold water. Is there a way to selectively disable javascript pop-ups and -unders in IE? Anyone?

If not, make those configs an easy check box or two away and tell people about them and Netscape will get their browser market back. Looks about the same, a little slower (for now =), NO FUCKING POP-UPS. That could be worth a 50-80% market share, right there...

10:15:07 PM by mark *
Hey, I decided to search the web for WebHamster since I have more than one buddy who describe their careers that way. Much to my surprise Google pulls 485 hits! AltaVista dredges up 541 hits! These two amused me the most: WebHAMster (yup, you could fit one in there...) and Hamster Tours (What is that hamster doing to that mouse? ...Oh, and the screen says "take the 10 minute bedtime tour." heh.).

Interestingly, there are a LOT of German pages in there. Does hamster mean something other than furry rodent in Deutsch? Sorta. Must be a cultural thing that lots of the webmasters are webhamsters but none treat it as a special title or explain it.

8:53:02 PM by mark *
I was going to post a huge long whiny post about how my life sucks and I'm all disaffected and evil things happened today at work that stressed me out and my pounding headache is week old and more fun like that. But everytime I sit down to it I look down at the post Sklutch stuck up earlier and think to myself, "Hey shithead! (I'm real rude to my internal ego, too) what the hell kind of man are you to not be homicidal? Your friends seem homicidal all the time and you sure as fuck have a good-sized list of 'once I'm above the law' targets so why can't you build up a simple, seething, sanguine rage?" Then, I notice all the links in his rant and cheer right up.

Also, I've had 72oz of caffeinated drinks in 6 hours and I'm working on another 20 so I've got that going for me too.

3:55:00 AM by sklutch *
[Rambling] Okay, so I've been an angry MF now for nearly SEVEN hours...and I have NO idea why. I woke up and I was gritting my teeth, my jaw was sore, and I was in an adrenaline rush...I just wanted to fly out the door, jump in the 'Yota and run down a fuckload of people. It's not like I have any real level of stress or anything...my bills are paid, I've been able to buy myself some toys, my ride is paid off...I just can't think of what the hell is wrong. One of my friends called me to invite me to see a movie and I damn near screamed into the phone. Thankfully, I've got a generous amount of experience dealing with anger...courtesy of the being stuck in Repressive God-Fearing Hell on Earth. {If God is the god of Love and Understanding, why the fuck am I supposed to be "fearing" him?}

I get to work and start slogging through my email and Lo and Behold!, we've gotten more spam complaints about one of our customers. Now, I have a very special hatred of spammers...seeing as I was the "abuse-master" at my old job, and wasn't permitted to hunt them down and peel the skin from their chests with a rusty straight razor lubed with rubbing alcohol like I wanted to do. Seems there's these pesky "laws" with frown upon such behaviour...then again, Senators and Congressmen have entire staffs to read their email, so their statesman-like minds aren't disturbed when they're deliberating which course to take to guide our citizenry. The worst part of this incident is the strident cry from the perpetrator that "This is an opt-in list...they CHOSE to receive this mail!". If the person says they didn't want it, just shut the fuck up and take them off the mailing list...it's that simple. Even the pus-ridden mutant who shat you into our suffering world would understand that.

Thankfully, I've got a whole lotta MP3s to take my mind off of things...

[Ramble ends]

Thursday, July 12, 2001
7:04:19 PM by mark *
Hey, American Express has a new telco campaign that is their slickest yet for trying to add useless ervices to my card plan. Those sneaky bastards call and ask if you mind hearing more about a plan you already have to update you on the benefits. Then, once they have told you about a free service that they have always offered any cardholder and you are totally sucked into a conversation they start mentioning new, useless crap that they want you to start dropping cash to receive. Bastards. Of course, they still rule over credit cards that suck your lifeblood like a vampire, tempting you deeper and deeper into their dark, dark world, using you up and then leaving you for a seemingly infinite lifetime in all the cold, sunless, lonely places. Basically, credit cards are like relationships. The more you put into it, the less you get back and the more you are trapped.

Have a nice day! Thanks for listening!

5:51:49 PM by mark *
Einhorn Cuts Throat in Bid to Beat Extradition is worthy of a read. What a weird, weird world we live in.
5:44:56 PM by mark *
Another link for the Wish I'd thought of that category.

7-Eleven's Big Gulp has mutated to the 52-ounce X-treme Gulp. That's 1.6 quarts - just over 3 pounds. A two-handed, foam-insulated, don't-wear-hand-lotion-or-you'll-drop-it bucket-o'carbonation. Holy fuck! Who needs that kind of liquid intake? Camels make it across deserts with less liquid.

What's next? The Ford Expedition Gulp? The Gulp of Mexico? See, that there is primo humor. Though I would have gone with just X-pedition Gulp. And I think the next size up will simply be called "The Pool".

4:23:14 PM by mark *
You know, stress-relieving squishy-balls may be one of mankind's greater accomplishments. I bet when aliens show up they go to conventions and get shit loads of them for free. Seriously, we play with these things all day long.

Get an annoying phone call? That is ten bounces off the wall. Cow-orker mad at you over some office politics? Cure those blues with 5 minutes of office catch. Use walls to bank them into other's cubes for blind catch.

Of course, you occasionally suffer a minor cola-related crisis but that is a small price to pay for your own sanity, eh? You can't hurt your eyes with these things, unless you stabbed them full of pins or dunked them in battery acid or something stupid like that. Now a good roof-bounce to the noots can give a man pause for a few seconds but any sport worth playing is worth taking a pop to the goolies.


Speaking of cubes in offices, I've been wondering about some new language related to this nasty no-offices-for-you culture we've spawned. At the very least we now have cube farms in some companies so large that "cube farm" seems too weak. We need a new phrase like "cubeship" based on the "township" or maybe "laborcomb" based off of "honeycomb"? Still working on that one.

Wednesday, July 11, 2001
5:26:18 PM by mark *
oh yeah, that is sooo true.
3:54:12 PM by mark *
Oh man I wish I'd thought to rant about the evil Diet Coke commercials. He nails it in his rantings. The sad thing is even in my post tv-watching, de-media-addled state I still was able to guess all three of the speaker, excepting I couldn't remember Ed's last name. Speaking of Eds, they should get Norton for the next clip, just before the sun collapses and we are all sucked into a surprise blackhole. I've already planned for my last words to be "See! See! I fucking told you!"

I may edit this into a new site quote: "Here you go, pal; enjoy an ice-cold, refreshing can of your very mortality."

1:19:18 AM by mark *
Before I go to bed, finally, I'd like to point out to you SciFi fans here in the states that Lexx Season 4 Starts Friday! Looks like SciFi moved up the schedule a bit! Also, it will run Fridays at 10pm, Saturday at 1am, and Monday at 2am. (And those are the correct days for the times, don't think I mean that Monday 2am actually means early on Tuesday like the TV heathens tend to list it.)
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
11:33:22 PM by mark *
I've spent the evening in front of the computer yet cut off from games, the internet and regular applications! Yay! There is nothing quite as fun as burning CDs for hours on end. =) Except taking a quick break to post to the blog right here, the most I've done all night is click and hit return every few minutes. Worse, I'll likely be doing the same thing for the next few days. *sigh* Soon, the new computer(s?) will be bought and then we shall have to start using the computer the way it was intended... killing mythical beasts, crushing mighty armies, playing happy music, looking at pretty pictures and even spewing raging, maddened prose about all that distresses me. Oh and maybe some work, too. Meanwhile, go read a comic you've never read before or tell me about one that sucks less than the ones I read.
6:29:55 PM by mark *
Things that I read today that amused me:
  • Ghost in the Machine Day from the Luddite Reader
  • How many XML gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
  • Microsoft vs. Education features this telling quote: "I know there was no [malicious] intent in the copying that they're doing. The only intent they have is to get more poor kids connected to the computer, and that should matter more than intellectual property." Nice thought, damn shame you're teaching kids that laws are there to be ignored when the really "need" to. Another generation of muggers is attending a school near you. Teach them real values. Work to change the copyright laws so that stuff becomes public domain quicker. Start using free software. Anything other than acting like laws in your way don't have to apply to you if you close your eyes and wish real hard. Tinkerbell legislation...
  • Spices vs. Germs in an all out stomach rumble rumble rumble...
  • Adopt a Fairy gave me nightmares last night, thanks Twernt!
  • Top 10 Model Languages needs more reading by me. Very cool.
Monday, July 09, 2001
10:39:25 PM by mark *
On the Next Draft list, this Article was titled It's a Hard Knock Life which is much better than the L.A. Times title of Lights! Camera! Viagra!

The article is quite amusing and led me to notice that the aforementioned news paper has a special url that leads to the most recent "adult" article. I'm going to do the rare-for-me linking-of-the-url here to demonstrate: http://www.latimes.com/porn. Now isn't that a sign o' the times?

On a typical day, when filming can stretch on for 14 hours, Bune will strip down and have sex in front of a camera crew as many as three times. During busy times, he might work five days a week. There is nothing funny I can say here, nothing at all... no wait, "stretch on"! Heh. Heh, heh.

It's a grueling schedule, and Bune has popped so many blue diamond-shaped Viagra pills that one film director said some crew members have teased him about his "blue tongue." "I don't think men should be ashamed that they do use it," said Bune, who often relies on Viagra for film shoots. "I'm not ashamed of it. People know that I use it. It doesn't make me any less of a man or a person." Whoa there, buddy. Too defensive!

With the current hectic pace of film production, some actors are taking the pill for every shoot, turning the industry into an unwitting mass experiment for Viagra usage. Yeah, they should at least get paid if they are going to prostitute their bodies to science.

"I put Viagra right up there with the polio vaccine, as far as making my job easier," said director Michael McCormick of Metro Productions. My God! How many fuck-stars have we lost to polio over the years? I thought the big fears were AIDS and suicide, when did polio start knocking them off? <music>Polio killed the por-orno star, Viagra came and broke your heart</music>

"It's like giving growth hormones to kids who do not have a growth deficiency, but their parents want them to be bigger to play basketball," said Dr. Sidney Wolfe, director of the Washington-based Public Citizens Health Research Group. No it is not. That is children being abused by their brainwashed parents who think modern pills can cure anything. You fucking doctors taught their grandparents that with penicillin for every runny nose and valium for every anxiety. And now ritalin for TV-addled. These are adults juicing themselves up for a job. If anything it is like stereoid abuse. Oh yeah, and "growth deficiency" Huh huh, huh. Heh.

Indeed, even the most virile men have an off day. Bune said he uses Viagra whenever a scene lasts more than an hour or if he has to don a condom "because I just can't work with them." Whores, fine. Strap-ons, fine. Cum-shots and latex and spankings, fine. People watching, fine. Rubbers, eek! That makes sense to me.

Small budgets mean small paychecks, particularly for male actors who typically rank at the bottom of the payroll food chain. The industry has long been dominated by women, whose bodies and faces are what sell an ocean of sex tapes to a predominantly male audience. They can often choose the male actors they will work with--and blackball the ones they will not. Audience participation time! Run with this: "Blackball..."

Male actors broke into the business through a process of natural selection that weeded out the vast majority of wannabes who failed the difficult test of becoming aroused on command. Years of begging it to go down before anyone noticed you'd popped one when the teacher bent over finally takes it toll.

One result of this harsh Darwinism was that actors who could perform like Superman were often a far cry from looking like Christopher Reeve. They could stand up on command but couldn't perform. Exactly the opposite of Mr. Reeve. Still, I'm sure he appreciates the comparison.

"If you want me--you want Ron Jeremy--you wait two or three minutes. You still get a good scene," Jeremy said, scoffing at the thought of using the drug. <music>Don't, don't you want me? You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't knead me</music>.

Even directors grumble about what the drug has done to the "art" of hard-core films, such that it is. Instead of being "physically honest," Viagra has helped turn actors into sex robots, said director Chi Chi LaRue. Seriously, you'd have put "art" and "physically honest" in quotes too. The guy's name is Chi Chi LaRue, after all. And If any thing is turning them into sex robots wouldn't that be mechanical parts like dildos, breast enlargements, vibrators? At the very least you have to guess that the "sex robot" drug of choice is likely still heroin or cocaine or meth or something. Chi Chi. Heh.

9:19:22 AM by mark *
Well that isn't good. Muad'Dib can get a perfect score on a grammar test but can't find the search feature in his e-mail client! Admittedly, Eudora's interface is scatter-brained and sometimes seems to have been designed by Sesame Street Characters. Still, you should be able to find stuff with a search faster than visually scanning headers. =P

And remember kids, teasing degreed lawyer-types is dangerous, so please try it at home rather than near the professionals like me. Also, do recall that "teasing" is much more consise than "taking the piss out of" but sometimes conjures up images of bull-fighting and you must never imagine me in gold sequins; you have been warned!

12:44:03 AM by mark *
The problem with being a start-up super hero is
the witty banter.  You can't say "My old foe" or
"So we meet again" when you've never met any
of your opponents. Plus the hours suck and you
can never find a roof-top bathroom with a hook
for your tights. Oh yeah, the nasty tights thing.
Sunday, July 08, 2001
11:02:26 PM by mark *
And for you coders out there, The Perl Journal should be making a comeback. Yay!
10:57:09 PM by mark *
Oooh, Google is finally fessing up what their top searches are. <span voice="Spock">Fascinating Captain</span>
10:08:20 PM by mark *
I'm blogging this ButtCandle site simply for future reference. There will come a day when I will need this link. I am certain there will come a time when having this link handy with make for great laughter all around. Enjoy.
9:57:23 PM by mark *
Great googly-moogly what a storm! I just drove back from my parent's house and boy are my flippers exhausted. We're talking more than an inch of standing water on the roads, blinding rain, 40+ mph winds, circular cloud formations, lightning, eighteen-wheelers up on half their tires, and more. I was blown far enough off the Interstate (at 60mph since it was too bad out to go 70-75 like we should be able too) to kick up gravel off the shoulder. This wasn't your angry Donald Duck storm, this was a Yosemite Sam mad-at-a-camel storm. Woof. Boy am I glad to be home.
2:10:21 PM by mark *
Some days I just lean back and think
about all I've accomplished in life and all
the wonderful things I've done and seen.
Than after a minute I have a bacon sandwich
because I can't cry when eating bacon.
Tasty, precious bacon!
7:03:32 AM by Dodd *
"A group of international physicists have announced [that] there is a good reason for our universe, made of matter, to exist." I feel much better. Now that they've solved the easy one, maybe they can explain the Teletubbies.