furtive explorations

WTF? Stupid blogger never posted this.

Of course, "guilty pleasure" movies on AMC are helping pass the night. We're also playing the "look up random stupid phrases on Google" game. Tonite's zero-hit phrase: "Atrocity Burger". Sadly, "perfume sniper" had like 79 hits. There was one single-hit but we're saving it for a possible blog name.

"Atrocity Sandwich" is also a zero-hit. I'm thinking of a single sandwich/burger that involves as much carnage as possible. Flour from war torn areas, lettuce picked by slave labor (pretty easy on that one, really), and every kind of meat and cheese imaginable. Venison, beef, mutton, bacon and pork from different animals, etc. Maximum carnage for a single meal.

Two-thirds of humanity use the squatting position to answer the call of nature.

In those cultures, appendicitis, diverticulosis, hemorrhoids, colitis, prostate disorders and colon cancer are virtually unknown ...

Yeah, most of those are unknown because they are caused by bad diet. If you think changing the way you shit will magically save you from changing your diet or your other bad habits your are sorely mistaken. And by sorely I mean your calves. Seriously, do you think how you shit once or twice a day in any way compares to sitting for 8 hours in an office with your thong/boxers/panties/briefs/hose/longjohns riding up your ass? Guess which one gives you Hemrorrhoids. Grr...

Seriously...if I were in that position, I would've popped out the Clie, pretending to take notes, fire up the recorder, and then quietly place it on the counter so as to catch the glorious insanity for posterity. Wear a t-shirt that says "I'm recording everything around me," and you might make it legal as well. OK, probably not...but it would be an amazing recording none the less.

In this case, I got the full benefit of his teaching on:

• Jesus. "He already existed in heaven, he chose to come down.
• Mother's love. "She faced all them boys down."
• Ecclesiastical birth mumbo jumbo. "We are born from the waters..."
• the end times "Jesus said no man knows the when the end of the world comes".
• Nostradamus. "He was a doctor, a prophet, and mixer of potions. People thought he was a sorcerer. Smart guy, knew his philosophy and his numbers."
• Moses. "Killed a man you know, couldn't control his temper. Spent forty years in the desert. I spent time in the desert." (Hard stare, trying to convice me that he was once crazy?)
• Mother Mary. "She was God's daughter. We all are. But she was also Jesus's mother and God's wife. But Jesus existed before her in heaven and created her. If anyone asks you if God is married, you know the answer now."
• Squirrels. "I climbed up into that tree and busted that bully right in the mouth. Broke some of his teeth out. Like a sharp-eye squirrel. My vision was 13/20 back then."
• Bullies. "They cornered me and my buddy. We were wearing wigs and pretending to be the Beatles. Had guitars. I knew boxing from a guy at the church. Broke the guys jaw and his nose. The bigger guy ran from us. Stand up to them bullies."
• Physics. "E=mc squared. You know what that means, right? A soul is just light but it has power. Math is the way god thinks."
• Owls. "A Wise Old Owl sat in an oak, The more he saw the less he spoke, The less he spoke the more he heard, Why can't we all be like that old bird?" He repeated this about 7 times in a monologue that stretched over half an hour. It started to detract from the point after a while.

Seriously. I'm just scratching the surface here. The guy repeated partial sentences over and over so now they are jammed into my memory. Suicidal people he's worked with, his dad's work and love life, how many half brothers he has, how many years he's worked as a counselor or preacher, what his wife likes about him, why bi-polar people need to change their diet and much more was also covered.

Epic.

BTW, is it just me or are the timestamps an hour fast...?