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HOSTILE : CoreDump (Other) : Piece of Shit
What makes a car a piece of shit?
jump to: piece of shitness - big table
My POS
Until today, Aug 28, 2000, I drove a 1991 Chevy Camaro. It was named "Camario". I loved it... To death...
My car lasted 140,000 miles. The last 20k were spread over about 4 years and were pretty hard on the poor thing. Any real owner would long ago have taken the poor thing out back and shot it. But I just kept on driving that same slowly deteriorating piece of shit. Near the end you couold feel palpable waves of hatred coming from it when ever I came near.
It started trying to kill me a few years ago. It would let the air out of the tires so slowly that I would be lulled into the false hope that they were fixed. I had three of them replaced and the new ones leaked from the first day. I took them back and had them pulled off the rims, examined and rotated. The same two still leaked...
I have had 4 high speed blow outs. Only once was the tire really worn. One tire had had less than 5K miles on it. It still had those little rubber titty things on part of it. Little weird tendrils of newness, mocking me from a shredded tire.
It had other ways for attempting murder other than trying to get me to careen into trees or get dragged under the wheels of coal trucks. One of the better attempts recently was trying to gas me to death with exhaust. With the air-conditioner no less. Forcing me to choose between wonderful wonderful cool air or clean breathable smog in our swamp-like all-95 weather. All-95 weather? 95 degrees F, 95 percent humidity, 95 percent mold or pollen, and the ozone death scale at 95.
By the end, it was trying to sneakily disconnect the battery when I wasn't looking. And using up all the oil I has just given it without leaking a drop or smoking real bad. Somewhere in that car is 10-15 quarts of oil, seriously. It was probably saving them up for the fireball.
All in all we have enjoyed a fine love-hate relationship. I loved driving it, it hated me driving it. It loved trying to kill me, etc...
The really sad part is that it didn't get to complete the basic life cycle of the Chevy Camaro. Sure it had the wonderful first few years of powering around like a minor god. The declining middle years of redneck tire squealing and leaky T-tops. The later years of valiantly trying to off it's owner. But what it will miss is the honest farewell that every Camaro deserves: a firey death on a highway shoulder as the engine shreds itself in a crescendo of parts at high speed. No Camaro should be sent off to the American Lung Association as a donation, they shouldn't die in a crusher or rusting in a parts lot. No, they should burn to the ground, after giving their all in one last great gnashing of parts. The truly evil ones should maybe spend a year getting ripped apart and standing on blocks in the front yard of some infra-redneck's house. In the end tho, those too shall die in flames.
Piece of Shit-ness
POS isn't a state that is entered. It doesn't happen over night. No -- like a fine wine -- it has to rot over time. More to the point, it has to sneak up on you -- kinda like cheap wine, actually.
I've been trying to work out just what makes a car a POS. I've thought long and hard about mine and other friends crappy cars. I think I've gotten part of it down. At the end of this article you'll find the table I've worked out to help you figure out if your car is a POS.
Obviously, there are some subtleties here. You can't just go around declaring that every car with a droopy roof lining is a POS. It just might be a fluke in an otherwise perfectly fine car. I mean you give me a $100,000 Rolls-Royce and I'll be happy to spend $500 getting the liner fixed, you know? On the other hand, if you drop a hundred grand on a car you deserve to get a POS. Seriously, that is just fucking stupid. Buy two or three normal cars and crash some of them on purpose at the country club. It'll score you more points with the boys. Bonus points if you leap out while it's moving.
Also, while some vehicles might look like complete junkers, you have to take into consideration their expected use. A rusty beatup truck still moves a ton of gravel as good as a shiny new one. Better actually since some new trucks are just shiny and were never intended to haul shit around in. Drop a ton of horse manure in some of these fancy new mini-jap-crap trucks and they'd just dissolve. Space age plastics can't stand up to a good pile of manure, manure is a natural force that science has yet to properly reckon with. Only good forged steel or natural wood have a chance against that stuff.
On the other hand some vehicles are POS even if they are still fine for their tasks. Any Renault from the 80's was a POS, even right off the assembly line. I had a friend in college who had a Renault. One day in a parking lot, while U-turning to the left, he noticed the right front tire, wheel, steering assembly, and drive train sliding out of the front of his car. A quick turn to the right and it slid right back in. He was able to park it by only turning right and going straight. That is a true POS story folks.
Ok, read on, and let me know if you have any additions or modifications you feel are necessary. Thanks. Some things are additive to others and are marked with initial "+ "s.
| Problem | Score |
|---|---|
| ever been on fire | -0.40 |
| + still smells of smoke | -0.10 |
| + still on fire | -0.20 |
| windows won't roll down | -0.10 |
| + or up | -0.10 |
| cracked glass | -0.20 |
| + shattered but still in | -0.10 |
| + replaced with plastic and duct tape | -0.15 |
| + + duct tape has failed and plastic is flapping | -0.05 |
| roof lining is falling | -0.15 |
| + missing altogether | -0.10 |
| door/hood/trunk different color | -0.20 |
| + still primer color | -0.10 |
| + missing | -0.30 |
| + + designed to be removable | +0.25 |
| + + + lost/at ex-girlfriends house | -0.10 |
| leaks oil (into engine) | -0.10 |
| + on ground | -0.05 |
| + on exhaust | -0.10 |
| + just disappears | -0.15 |
| leaks radiator fluid (on ground) | -0.10 |
| + into engine | -0.10 |
| leaks gas | -0.15 |
| + uses gas for windshield wash | -0.10 |
| leaks water into cabin/trunk | -0.10 |
| + on passenger | -0.05 |
| + on driver | -0.10 |
| + + from engine | -0.40 |
| hole in floor | -0.10 |
| + can see road | -0.10 |
| + can see drivetrain/gearbox | -0.20 |
| + can see sky | -0.80 |
| upholstry has holes | -0.05 |
| + has jagged metal in holes | -0.10 |
| + upholstry? | -0.15 |
| + broken seat | -0.15 |
| + missing seat | -0.20 |
| dashboard has cracks | -0.15 |
| + has holes | -0.10 |
| + has nests | -0.15 |
| muffler dangling | -0.10 |
| + held on only by shoelace | +0.05 |
| + sparking too | -0.10 |
| + missing | -0.15 |
| bumper held on with twine/tape/wire | -0.15 |
| + dangling so low it sparks | -0.10 |
| + dragging behind | -0.20 |
| + + only held on car by muffler | -0.10 |
| trunk lock drilled out | -0.10 |
| + tied shut with twine | -0.05 |
| + held shut with screwdriver thru hole | -0.10 |
| + kept shut with weight of bumper | -0.15 |
| smoke | -0.10 |
| + from engine | -0.15 |
| + from passengers | +0.05 |
| + from upholstry | -0.05 |
| major dents | -0.15 |
| + rusty | -0.05 |
| + and holes | -0.05 |
| crash damage that lifts one wheel off ground | -0.25 |
| loose hood | -0.05 |
| + twine/duct tape/wire/bungee | -0.05 |
| coat-hanger antenna | -0.10 |
| made in America late 70's early 80's | -0.25 |
| made in France | -0.30 |
| made in Great Brittain | -0.20 |
| + with brass fittings | -0.20 |
| + model driven by James Bond | +0.10 |
| + + can corner over 1g on skidpad test | +0.05 |
| made in former communist country | -0.40 |
| Yugo | -0.50 |
| made in Mexico | -0.90 |
| only has three cylinders | -0.20 |
| + used to have more | -0.20 |
| starter key-switch dangles loose | -0.10 |
| + missing, use handwired switches | -0.10 |
| + missing, use teeth/vise-grip | -0.20 |
| one headlight | -0.05 |
| one taillight | -0.05 |
| one signal light | -0.10 |
| + always on | -0.05 |
| engine sounds like helicopter | -0.20 |
| engine sounds like rumba band | -0.25 |
| engine sounds like lawnmower | -0.30 |
| + is lawnmower engine | -0.10 |
| backfiring | -0.10 |
| flame comes out tail-pipe when starting | -0.10 |
| + all the time | -0.10 |
| + + on purpose | +0.25 |
| license plate hanging by one screw | -0.05 |
| + held in place by rust | -0.05 |
| license in window | -0.10 |
| + old one won't come loose | -0.05 |
| license attached to trunk | -0.15 |
| + with tape | -0.05 |
| + with screwdriver in drilled out keyhole | -0.10 |
| paint peeling/flaking | -0.10 |
| + and bubbling | -0.5 |
| more than one color of primer | -0.10 |
| + more than two | -0.05 |
| + + more than three | +0.05 |
| major body rust | -0.20 |
| + thru | -0.10 |
| + + of frame | -0.30 |
| hail damage | -0.10 |
| + on engine | -0.10 |
| obvious $99 paint job | -0.10 |
| + Krylon spray paint | -0.10 |
| chunks of plastic hanging loose | -0.10 |
| + missing | -0.05 |
| jagged metal showing | -0.10 |
| only three wheels | -0.60 |
| + only three possible (tricycle) | -0.20 |
| broken grill | -0.05 |
| + missing | -0.05 |
| + replaced with other car's grill | -0.05 |
| + + from different manufacturer | -0.05 |
| + BBQ grill | -0.15 |
| + fan spins slowly in wind | +0.05 |
| on blocks | -0.60 |
| + in back yard | +0.20 |
| + rusted to blocks | -0.10 |
| + less than 75% of car there | -0.20 |
| + planter | +0.10 |
| + + for pot | +0.10 |
| + upside down | -0.20 |
| missing roof | -0.20 |
| + wasn't convertable | -0.30 |
| + not missing, in trunk wadded up | -0.05 |
| back glass permanently opaque | -0.15 |
| + not crappy convertable plastic | -0.10 |
| + that's trash | -0.05 |
| peeling or bubbling "tinting" | -0.15 |
| + and splitting | -0.05 |
| peeing calvin sticker | -0.05 |
| huge text banner across front windshield | -0.10 |
| + of company now out of business | -0.05 |
| + with name of ex-girlfriend | -0.05 |
| + + not even YOUR name | -0.10 |
| strange rattling | -0.10 |
| + multiple | -0.05 |
| + of passengers | -0.05 |
| + + not teeth | -0.10 |
| missing rearview mirror | -0.10 |
| + laying on dash still | -0.05 |
| + still attached to glass | -0.30 |
| broken side mirror | -0.10 |
| + still dangling | -0.05 |
| + + sparking | -0.05 |
| no mirrors | -0.20 |
| + claim to use spider-sense | +0.05 |
| excessive wind noise | -0.05 |
| + while stopped | -0.15 |
| + from passengers | +0.05 |
| vehicle has been "lifted" | -0.10 |
| vehicle has been "lowered" | -0.10 |
| vehicle has been tilted | -0.15 |
| + more than 10 degrees | -0.05 |
| + sideways | -0.10 |
| front end drags entering/exiting parking lots | -0.10 |
| + always | -0.35 |
| air intake is at road level | -0.25 |
| + you hit a big puddle (Dave =) | -0.65 |
| + + and cracked engine block | -0.10 |
| car costs more than $100,000 | +0.35 |
| + jelous people make dick jokes | +0.35 |
| + people aren't jelous | -0.45 |
| + + people laugh | -0.10 |
| + + + harder after hearing price | -0.10 |
| + you get beat off line by car rated -2 or below on this test | -0.20 |
| won't shift into all gears | -0.20 |
| + won't shift out of 2nd or 3rd | -0.20 |
| leaps out of gear randomly | -0.30 |
| waits 1/2 second after gas is pressed to start moving | -0.10 |
| dies if you take foot off gas too quick | -0.15 |
| slipping clutch | -0.15 |
| + and smoking | -0.10 |
| air conditioner blows warm air | -0.10 |
| + blows hot air | -0.10 |
| + even when off | -0.10 |
| heater blows cold air | -0.10 |
| + and mold spores | -0.05 |
| + and dust | -0.05 |
| + and chunks of insulation | -0.20 |
| all settings on environmental controls do same thing | -0.10 |
| + blow hot air out defroster | -0.10 |
| + blow hot air out all vents | -0.05 |
| + even off | -0.10 |
| + a/c compressor is on AND heat | -0.15 |
| radio AM only | -0.10 |
| + didn't used to be | -0.05 |
| cassette player doesn't work | -0.10 |
| + on one side | +0.05 |
| + erases tapes while playing | -0.05 |
| + cassette eater more like it | -0.10 |
| + + ball of tape almost prevents shifting into 1st/3rd/5th | +0.05 |
| cd player nicknamed scratchy by friends | -0.10 |
| + don't have cd player | +0.05 |
| + don't have friends | -0.05 |
| + + because of cd player | -0.05 |
| fungus in car | -0.10 |
| + on seats | -0.05 |
| + in a/c system | -0.10 |
| + in brain | -0.05 |
| doors won't open | -0.20 |
| + or close | -0.10 |
| + can climb in and out window | +0.10 |
| use emergency brake to stop car quick | -0.15 |
| + always | -0.25 |
| + + call it "hand brake" to ease passengers' minds | +0.05 |
| + use it to steer | +0.05 |
| + + taught mom | +0.05 |
| + + was taught BY mom | -0.05 |
| windshield wipers noisy | -0.05 |
| + flappy | -0.05 |
| + have cut groove in glass | -0.20 |
| + missing | -0.10 |
| + RainX | +0.05 |
| + + on paint | -0.10 |
| full of garbage | -0.05 |
| + not your garbage | -0.05 |
| + prevents use of back seat | -0.10 |
| + prevents use of passenger seat | -0.15 |
| + prevents use of car | +0.10 |
| gas cap missing | -0.05 |
| + rag | -0.05 |
| + Barbie(tm) Doll | -0.10 |
| steering pulls to one side | -0.05 |
| + wrists hurt from always pulling | -0.10 |
| + spins out of control if you release wheel | -0.30 |
| + + can only turn one direction | -0.90 |
| steering wheel is jiggly | -0.05 |
| + can move it 10-15 degrees, no direction change | -0.15 |
| + + appears to not be attached | -0.75 |
| + + + isn't attached, use visegrips | +0.20 |
| + + + isn't attached, use brakes | +0.10 |
| + + + isn't attached, use force/prayer | +0.40 |
| homeless person sleeps in car | -0.10 |
| + other than you | -0.05 |
| + with you | -0.10 |
| + + more than one | -0.20 |
| + no outhouse (if you know what I mean) | -0.60 |
| homeless people are afraid of your car | -0.25 |
| + and laugh at it | -0.10 |
I considered making this a check list that totaled it up for you but I got lazy. There are 245 items in the list right now! Fuck that. I got better ways to blow my time. =)