HOSTILE : CoreDump (Other) : Press Release

Humor (sorta) *sigh*

ROOTERS: BOGOTA, COLUMBIA SAT FEB 19, 2000.

Today, outside the city of Bogota, beloved TV actor Enrico Juarenz and a
burro known as "Panco" died in a freak advertising related accident. Enrico
and Panco are best known for their work as the current incarnation of
"Juan Valdez and burro", the lovable trademark for Columbian Coffee.

The Columbian Coffee Growers Association has already released an initial
statement mourning the loss of such dedicated and typecast actors. 

Said CCGA presidente and long term offical non-campy spokesperson Guy Lindon:
"It saddens us that we have lost such a fine burro, useful around the office,
helpful in the fields and honestly a true professional actor in every sense
of the word. Heh, whoo!  That's hot. Wow. Panco's loss will effect everyone
here. I have a picture of him on my desk that brings tears to my eyes. I 
think this needs more milk. Wow, yeah, thanks.  And that guy Enrico, he 
worked for scale, you don't find dedicated actors out in a field you know,
well, in this case sure but in general I mean."

Apparently, the CCGA was about to embark on a landmark effort to bring back
their brand into the consciousness of the younger, hip generation. Sadly,
this tragedy appears to be a direct result of that move. In order to mix
their traditional beautiful Columbian mountain vistas and beloved trademark
actors with a more modern, youth-oriented, action-packed message, the CCGA
had chosen to have the duo sky-surf down into a lush valley of ripening
coffee.

In video shown to the press but not released out of deference to the bereaved,
the happy and excited actors trade wisecracks and chug 32 oz. mega-coffees
before leaping from the plane at 30,000 ft.  Six other sky-divers, with cameras
attached to their heads capture the action from all angles.

"Dude," said Toby, spokeperson for Mt. Dew, "That Panco caught some gnarly
air man!  Look at that tape, and you'll see tricks only a ruminant in top
shape could perform. Bip, Pow, that is an awesome triple-hard-spank-dogger.
You can't do that without a tail, it just don't look the same.  Man!"

Asked to comment on the similarity between their campaign and the CCGA's
Toby's pal Mikeo had this to say, "'Sup man.  Wha?  Oh yeah, sure they are
similar but so what? Dis ain't about copping each others moves, it is about
excitement. Excitement and adventure, baby. And caffeine of course.  Gotta have
that too."

The CCGA admitted that the plan could have been better thought out but contend
that every precaution to protect the two were taken.  "Their harnesses were
double checked, their backup chutes were in place and ready, they had ground
trained and taken an earlier set of jumps to accustom them to the special
air-surf board made for Panco. They were fully ready, what happened you just
couldn't have predicted till the shoot happened."

"Dude, Dude what were they thinking?", Toby shouted at the end of the viewing,
"You know how much a 12 OZ can hurts when it hits your hand at 20 miles an
hour? Jeez, did you see that 10 lb. can hit Enrico? Bliff, red and black 
cloud, like bomb baby!"

An unmemorable 7-Up spokesperson spoke up and pointed out that the Panco
didn't even HAVE hands and that any moron should have seen that would be
a problem. Adding, "Yeah buddy, dey shoulda seen that comin'. Man is dey
stupid.  And dey could just as easily gone fo' da hip crowd by simply raggin'
on dey competita's ads. Dey missed da ball on dat un. Dat mule had the
comedy rhythm I tells ya, he could lay dope line any time."  7-Ups forgettable
B-grade comedian then turned about and inexplicably began waggling his rear
at a random camera and shouted "Here is Columbia's next ass!"

A U.S. military ordinance officer, Maj. Kyle Short, noted: "Well I have
to point out that this was yet another spectacular success for the joint
forces Star-Wars based targeting program.  Our can-to-actor precision has
never been better.  Those cans were on speed, on target and in the groove.
Our expert arsenal has proven itself a leader once again. Perhaps in the
future we will be able to release some of the test data.  I can say at this
time that a 200MPH, 10 lb. canister of coffee will actually splash a
burro-sized target at short range. That has got to counted as real data,
no matter the cost in underpaid actors."

Funeral services will be held all this week 4 to 5 miles south of Bogota,
in a north-south swath about three-quarter of a mile wide.  Enrico and
Panco will be sorely missed.

[AP Note:  The correct spelling of Panco's name is without the H.  Panco is
known throughout his native land for this partly due to his ego in keeping
a unique one name identity and also because it greatly eased up on the
stamping needed to spell out his name.]